False Rays Of Dawn

The fiction of light
The false rays of dawn
Boring little musings
Making you yawn

Not the brightest crayon
In that damned box
Just like the others
With a head full of rocks

Jealous of things seen
Ignorant of things not
Leaving now, say goodbye
Remembers later, she forgot.

    She always forgot.  Always too good for us, Adriana forgot again that we existed.  So when my sister was sent off to boarding school, she waved goodbye to everyone, gave daddy a hug, but didn't look at me.  Of course, I was the little unimportant sister.  Adriana being the smart one.  She wanted to be a doctor someday and wanted to live in the fantasy world of etiquette.  I did have my father all to myself, but he spent his days mourning my mother.  

    I never knew her, died when I was three.  My father was well off financially and always had beautiful or clever gifts to give us in attempts to buy our love for the first few years.  Then when I was nine he suddenly became whole again without explanation.  Then I could love him.  Adriana would visit on holidays.  The Christmas she came home to find daddy was better was one I remember quite clearly.  We went ice skating, just the three of us.  Daddy and I knew how, but Adriana didn't.

    Adriana obviously took after our mother.  She never liked the cold weather and only because of daddy did she live where we did.  My sister could not have made the evening anymore miserable.  She was sixteen yet she complained and looked down on us with distaste.  She ended up talking to a group of boys her age and getting them to buy her cups of hot chocolate.  Daddy looked over once and shook his head before turning back to me.  I knew then that I didn't ever want my father to look over at me and shake his head.  That was the worst thing in my world.

    Adriana went back to school early that year with a few new pen pals.  I never went to boarding school.  A regular, public school was good enough for me.  When I finally could look at my father and know that he was someone who I could rely on to be a father, I knew I couldn't leave him like Adriana.  See, it became clear as the years passed that my father had not mourned only for the loss of his wife, but the loss of a daughter.  Adriana left him so soon after my mother.

    I never had the intention of leaving him like Adriana.  My sister may never have intended it to seem that way, but it did.  The only person I ever loved was my father.  Adriana was my sister in blood, but not in spirit.  My father needed me to take care of him so I did and forgot the rest of the world.  I didn't mind not having the close inner circle of friends most people have.  I had a better relationship with my father than any of the girls at school.  Most of the girls I knew were like Adriana anyway.

    So many will agree, I do not look forward to seeing Adriana today.  I have no choice though.  My father's funeral is tomorrow.  I haven't really talked to my sister for years.  Sure, we exchange pleasantries.  That's about it though.  I did have to call her when he died and she did call back.  The conversation was something along the lines of Adriana trying to fill up an awkward silence.  

    Despite it, I'm nervous.  She'll walk through the doors in all her glamour and beauty like many a time before.  Funny how she has that power and I don't.  At least I didn't have to pick her up at the airport, daddy's driver is going to stay for a little while longer.  I can't keep myself from looking at the clock. 

   "Long time no see, Fara."  Just as I said, Adriana stands in the doorway like she always does when she comes home.  This time though, she seems different to me.

   "You're here now," I reply.  "You don't have to pretend you love me anymore."

   "I never pretended," she says quietly after a moment of quiet.  Adriana suddenly walks closer and sits next to me on the couch.  She doesn't sit right next to me though, on the other end. 

   "I believe that."

   "Well, whether or not you believe it, it's true," Adriana says.  "You know, he was my father too.  You're not the only one who's grieving right now."

   "Right then," I say.  There isn't much we can say to each other.  There's a lot that needs to be said only we shouldn't be angry with each other right now.  The last thing we need is an opening of old wounds.

   "Fara," Adriana says quite suddenly, her voice deadly serious.  "Why have you always hated me?" 

   I suck in a breath and blink.  How could she not see why?  All those times she looked at me and then forgot I existed.  Now that she's got a PhD under her belt she finally cares to get along with her sister so it seems.  "You forgot me.  I don't want to make peace, Adriana.  You'll just leave again after the funeral and be the sister I don't know."

   "Dad would have wanted us to 'make peace,'" she whispers.  I'm watching her, but she's not watching me.  She's got her eyes on her shoes.  Even when Adriana sulks she's perfect at it.  I can't stand her.  I don't want a sister now.  I wanted one a long time ago, but not now.  Adriana is just here because she has to be.  She never knew our father. 

   I shrug at her, "Maybe."  Then I stand and walk up the stairs, leaving Adriana to look miserable and cute at the same time.